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| You know, I've always known that i was different from other people. Enough different that other people never understood me. But that never bothered me b/c i knew that my brothers understood me perfectly to a T, just the way i understand them. i read an away message that was part of a conversation between my older brother and my younger brother. It had to do with them having each others back b/c no one else understands them, which was cool. the part that hurt was when I mentioned to sam something along the lines of " yeah, no one else understands us" His reply was "What do you mean us? you dont understand us" At that moment i felt so alienated and alone. That hurt me a lot. This also made me think. I want to know who has my back, if anyone at all . Im beginning to think that im on my own, kinda like facing everything else with my back to a wall. I dont think ive ever felt this vulnerable in my entire life. So i finished watching the movie with him and carol, and then i left. There's a quote that i see almost everyday. It says " True knowledge and awareness is the second scariest thing in this life. Knowing that you are alone to face the world with that knowledge is the first." I never really understood it before, but now i think i do. And now i know i can appreciate its meaning, reguardless of how painfully close to home it can be. | | |
| Why is it that in order to feel ok I have to hurt the people i care about in the process? Take travis for example. I love him and i care about him very much. i didnt really want a relationship and didnt feel i was ready for one. I only went out with him b/c he wanted to be with me and i cared for him (still do too) I dont like relationships, im not meant for them either. To me, when i hear the word "relationship" i feel restricted and tied down (as i believe ive described it to other people), It has nothing to do with how travis treats me. Hes treated me better than anyone i know and hes done everything right. But he doesnt make me feel tied down, its the relationship, the idea of the relationship.Ive tried to tell myself otherwise and tell myself that its ok but the way i feel is a lot stronger than how i feel for travis. I cant help the way i feel. I dont plan on getting married and having kids (not that hes trying to push that on me or anything) and settling down and having a practical job that people would only have to support families. Honestly, i want to be a paramedic. I love being out in the field and yes im going to major in nursing but thats b/c i figure is hould be able to support other people. i plan on growing up and working all the time and coming and going as i please. And how do you tell someone you love" Sorry honey i love you, but i cant be with you because I cant deal with a relationship!" Ive already hurt him and its fucking heartbreaking but i know if i stay with him ill end up hurting him a lot worse. And what makes me a little irritated is that I told him it prolly wouldnt work out and he said lets try it anyway. Even after i told him i couldnt promise anything. But if i were to break up with him he would hurt b/c of it and this is what i was trying to prevent. but i have to look after myself. I know that sounds kinda selfish but if im not doing well mentally and emotionally, how am i supposed to have a solid relationship with travis? I love him and im fighting as hard as i can to keep it together. I dont know what to do. Im so tired though and i cant wait for vacation. But im out. i gotta go to chem
~Meg~ | | |
| We are not even going to talk about my SAT scores b/c im just going to get pissed off even more. i did better the first time i took them and just wanted to improve my scores again. You know what? Fuck it. I dont care anymore. Im so tired of trying to beat everyone out just b/c i feel stupid. I cant wait for vacation, i really need it or im gonna lose it and im trying to finish all of my college stuff (assuming i can get into college). Ive got to go to work tonight. thank god im only working till 7 and i have to work 11-6 tomarrow. Then im riding ambulance sunday. Ive barely seen my honey although i saw him for a little while yesterday. I have to go b/c im have to finich my psych powerpoint
~Meg~ | | |
| hey everyone! im sitting here in psychology doing nothing (as usual) next to pete and my megan. They are extremly entertaining. I dont know what id do without them here. Im megan's live journal she wrote that i was drawing obscene pictures. How rude!!! its not my fault that i was!!!. Im in a really good mood today b/c i got to see my baby last night. Im about to hit pete for going "awwwwww" dumb fuck. Now hes poking me. well whatever. Theres no school tomorrow but what am i doing? riding ambulance as usual. so ill try and keep up on my entries but i cant promise anything
~Meg~ | | |
| Hey, my name's meg! My friends have been on my ass about me starting my own xanga so.....................................I did! Fortunately I didnt have to work today. If i did i was going to murder someone. And for those of you that know me, i would do it. Anyway if you come visit, tell me what you think and pass the name on
~Meg~ | | |
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